Monday, May 6, 2013

19th Century Spinster

So I missed days 5 and 6 of the challenge.  Life got in the way of blogging.  I worked all day Sunday (and when I say all day I mean all day 8:30 am till 11:30 pm) and yesterday I worked and then had a fantastic girls night with some ladies from work.

But I'm back on it today!

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So, day 7: Thing(s) you're most afraid of.

I thought about giving a list of things but I think I'll just stick with one.  You know, make a post a little more personal then I normally get on the blog.

I am deathly afraid of ending up alone for the rest of my life.

 In my 25 years of life (not counting years 1-14) I have only ever had one boyfriend.  I've dated here and there but the only real relationship I've ever had was when I was a junior in high school.  Why?  I'm really not sure.  After high school, a friend told me it wasn't because I wasn't pretty or had a bad personality.  She said it was because the guys in school were intimidated by me.  To this day I'm not sure how I feel about that.  But I just figured when I got to college it would change.

College came around and nothing.  Few dates here and there but nothing that ever turned anything substantial.  (Can you kinda see why I'm afraid of being alone now?)  After college I told myself that the reason I'm alone is because I know what I want and don't feel like I have to date a bunch of guys to end up with the right one. Kinda like Josie Gellar in Never Been Kissed but instead of waiting for the perfect kiss, I'm telling myself I'm just waiting for the perfect guy.

But now I'm 25 and I'm still alone.  Yes I have tons of friends and family, I have a great job, I'm out doing what I want, I'm living life the way I want too, and I'm dating (on occasion).  I'm truly happy being single  But I'll be honest, I'm tired of being single and I'm ready for more.  I want someone to grow old with and who wants to grow old with me.  I want to have someone to come home to.  To share everything with.  And sometimes I'm terrified that that will never happen.  I'm afraid I'll end up the crazy cat lady who lives in a little white house all by herself. An old maid, a spinster. Technically, if this were the 19th century, I would already be considered a spinster. I would be a chaperone to my younger sister or cousins and seen as "beyond the marriageable age."  And yes, I've read too many historical romance novels.  Anyway,  I'm afraid I'll be the forever single friend who always comes to things by herself, you know like Brigitte Jones.  I'm afraid I'll be left behind with all my friends who are either married, in long term relationships or at the beginning of new relationships.

I never thought that this would be something I would be afraid of.  But it is.  And the only thing that helps me to not be afraid of being alone forever.  Is to hope that somewhere out there, is my other half and that he's looking for me, just as hard as I'm looking for him.

And when I find him or he finds me.  You can bet your asses, it'll be all over my blog! :)


2 comments:

Sinead said...

I am totally the same! This is what I'm afraid of as well, I'm now 21 and have never been in a relationship. I feel like if it doesn't happen soon I will probably be alone forever! It's scary!

Frances said...

I'm right there with you! Let's start a spinsters club - hahaha... let's not and say we did. Anyway, I've always been the single one in my friends and it gets depressing - even when you have AWESOME friends. But I know it'll happen when it's supposed to happen. That doesn't mean that tiny corner of fear doesn't pipe up and make me feel lonely.

-Frances @ Keynotes